I’m not new to boudoir. I’ve been in business for 8 years and I have had just as many sessions of my own. I knew what to expect. I knew the fears and anxiety that my clients felt leading up to their session. I knew how important it was to trust that my photographer would take of me, and to instead focus on just how much of a fun and empowering experience lie ahead of me.
I knew all of this.
But boy, I did not feel it!
The last thing I felt when walking into my studio was confident.
When you spend so long in a toxic environment being told how unlovable, burdensome, and terrible you are, it’s truly hard to walk anywhere with your head held high. Let alone walking into an experience that you know will leave you vulnerable and raw. Baring it all for a stranger is terrifying. Jerry, my amazing friend and colleague, was about to be the second man to see me in a state of undress and I just wasn’t sure I was ready for that.
It’s amazing just how much happens within the course of a year.
If you had told me then that I would be sitting here with a business that has grown beyond what I could have imagined, a fiance that loves me at a level that my soul had only dreamed of, and a sense of optimism and renewed invigoration for life that I hadn’t felt since I was a child, I would never believe you. I NEVER thought this life was possible. I had resigned myself to the miserable existence that I experienced day after day.
It has been exactly a year since I had my own boudoir session.
We filmed my own session for a promo video, doing a pre-session interview to capture all of the emotions that we feel before a session.
I started the session off filled with an overwhelming fear. Fear that I would look disgusting. Fear that I wouldn’t be able to pose. Fear that my photographer would judge me. Fear that I couldn’t pull off a sexy or confident face (especially because I felt anything but). Fear that all of those hurtful words that were hurled my way were true.
I was so afraid of failure. I was afraid that I would choke. I wouldn’t know what to do and I would freeze.
I didn’t realize just how much this would be the thing that saved me.
Leaning into the fear, the nerves, and the discomfort taught me the greatest thing: The only person whose opinion of myself mattered was my own.
I am strong. I am capable. I am confident. I have a huge network of people who love and support me, because I am not unlovable. I am not this broken person that I thought I was.
I am worth loving.
I had my session at a time in my life where I felt so powerless, unattractive, and worthless.
I couldn’t think of a more perfect time to have my session.
Sometimes we have to push past the fear and lean into the experiences that are going to transform us.
My session was such a powerful experience because it set the tone for the rest of my year.
I walked out feeling confident and so proofs of myself. Doing something like this when I was the most vulnerable taught me that I am strong enough to conquer anything.
You don’t need to be in the best shape of your life to have a session. You don’t need to do this for your spouse. You don’t need to have a session when you’re feeling on top of the world.
Do it because you need it. Do it because you deserve to feel confident.
You deserve to treat yourself. You deserve to honor yourself. You deserve to love yourself!